The name game

People have needs and wants which is ok but sometimes they project their needs and their wants on their children when they name them. That still seems ok until you ponder some of the damage that can be done by thoughtless (or incredibly stupid) parents giving their children names that will impede the early development of the child or make a humiliation of the later life of the child. The Johnny Cash song entitled SUE about a boy who was named SUE comes to mind as a good example.

Many names are cross gender names and although sometimes attention getting they do not seem to cause too much damage. The movie actor John Wayne's real name was Marion Morrison. Didn't seem to cause him too much stress--he seemed pretty normal. The male actor Lee Marvin had a cross gender name. The British author Evelyn Waugh had a girls name as a first name but it seemed acceptable. But some first names for children seem cruel or stupid.

I once had a job as a packer in a factory. The labels with the names would come down to us along with the package on the conveyer belt. And for some reason there would always be two labels even though there was only one package. So there were duplicate labels to have fun with. So every packer's station had labels stuck to the cubicle walls so that special names would not be forgotten. Names like Crystal Chandelier and of course who can forget Jack Rabbit and Peter Rabbit and Bunny Rabbit.

Some parents really project their needs and their wants on the poor baby. Growing up our next door neighbors were the Slicers. Mr. and Mrs. Slicer. Mr. Slicer was about 6'4" tall and looked like Mr. Military because that is what he had wanted to be. Unfortunately he had failed the physical test for the Army and had been rejected. So they named their first born boy child Sergeant. Sergeant Slicer. Well today that does not seem too unusual because Sergeant Slicer looks like his father: about 6'4" tall, military haircut, etc. But it was not always that way. When he was only one year old and he was pooping in his pants his name was also Sergeant. The Sergeant just pooped in his pants. And of course later on when he was bed wetting: the Sergeant just made a pee in his bed again.

Of course this sort of thing just cries out for parody. How about Mr. and Mrs. Henderson who met because of a complicated social scene where their mutual best friend was a gigolo. So out of respect they name their boy Gigolo. Gigolo Henderson.

"My Mrs. Henderson: that is a wonderful little Gigolo you have there."

Makes you think. Or the Dunleaveys who met once again in a turbulent and totally hip social scene where Mr. Dunleavey had been quite the lady's man so Mr. and Mrs. Dunleavey decide to commemorate their youth by naming their son Whoremonger. Whoremonger Dunleavey.

The list is endless once you ponder bad taste, stupidity, perhaps alcohol at the naming party, and one wonders about latent cruelty. And of course things can go comically wrong. What if Whoremonger Dunleavey and Gigolo Henderson had turned out to be gay? How about the tortured soul named Mr. Titwater who had always had a secret dream and a secret need so he named his son Transvestite. Transvestite Titwater. Makes you think.

And of course these bad names are not confined to boys. Mothers who had to leave behind any dreams of the adult film career, or the lounge singer career, or the trailer park trash fun of their youth might name their girls Porno or Silicone or Gash.

"Hello, my name is Gash Gilhickie. I would like to interview with the Mother Superior to be a nun."

"Hello, my last name is Career and my first name is Porno. I am very interested in applying to your Foreign Diplomat program. My dream is to be the first female American Embassy official posted to Paris. Ms. Porno Career: Paris posting. Gosh, I hope it happens."

"Hello, my name is Silicone Smith. But you can just call me Sili for short. My mom was so flat chested that they used to use her chest to test new billiard balls. There was never enough money in the family for the surgery she needed so my loving mom and my loving dad named me Silicone. Isn't that a wonderful story? I love alliteration and the name Silicone Smith reminds me of that. I think that is one of the reasons why I am applying to be a High School English teacher."

Names. And people. Sometimes a lethal combination. And sometimes just a poignant reminder that we all have needs and wants. So, what would I name my first born if he were a son? Well, I do not want to go into too much personal detail; let us just say that on his birth certificate his first name would be Erection. I'm sure my son would thank me. Just like other sons have thanked their parents I am sure. For instance: how about the two parent brainiacs that named their son Messiah. Boy, that shows a lot of mother love and a lot of father love. Makes you wonder if somebody out there is called Buddha. Don't laugh. I once had to speak to the manager of a 7-11 in Boston. I was told to come back and ask for Muhammad Muhammad Muhammad. Boy, those parents weren't fooling around. The Spanish sometimes name their sons Jesus; but I have never met a Jesus Jesus Jesus. However, I am nothing if not open minded on this issue. If some parents had the last name Cracker, I would very much like to meet Sweet Jesus On A Cracker. I would hire that person sight unseen just so that I could introduce him at a company meeting.

"Ladies and Gentlemen: I would like to introduce our newest staff lawyer. Please welcome Mr. Sweet Jesus On A Cracker. I am told that he will be bringing his sister Pollywanta and his brother Banjoplaying to the company party Friday."

Can there be more to this? Yes, much more. Sometimes the first names are just part of a first name and last name combination that I am sure at the time seemed clever to the parents. Example: Mr. and Mrs. Cross naming their son Burning. Get it? Burning Cross. Mr. Burning Cross. Stupid. Oh but it gets worse. How about Mr. and Mrs. Delight who name their daughter Savory. Savory Delight. Want more? Had you ever thought of Mr. and Mrs. Train naming their son Late? Late Train. Mr. Late Train. How would you like to be the adult child and have to spend the rest of your life explaining that? Could it be worse? Would Googling up other name lapses in judgement find Train Wreck or Train Set or Train Track? Don't laugh--the people who have repeatedly brought us Bunny Rabbit and Jack Rabbit and Peter Rabbit could with only a few more drinks tell the clerk at City Hall that the name Smelly Poop sounds good. Yes, the last name Poop is a real name. It is almost impossible to make this stuff up. You haven't really thought of this stuff before? Ok, ponder this. Last name is Booger. First name is: ok, your turn - how about Green or Slimey or Wet?

Ok, just one more and no I am not making this up. Too many children already? A little fuzzy on the concept of birth control? Another baby coming? Another child that has to be given a name by mom and by dad? How about Etc? You heard me. Someone named their child Etc. I just hope the last name was not Etc. Etc Etc.

My Erection does not look so bad now does it?

© Dana. All rights reserved by the author.