SearchLHC Countdown Report -- 10-24 Seconds to the end -- or the beginning?
My Lord. Human physicists were strange creatures. They wanted to know how their universe began. Who knows why? What possible benefit could they get from that knowledge? How could those puny pieces of matter even think they were capable of probing the vast intelligence My Lord possesses?
But you asked me, Sire, what happened in the Grozzlebang Sector, so this Sire is my report.
The Beginning
It all started when John Ellis and a few of his friends were chatting over a beer (a particularly delicious brew the Humans devised made from barley and malt, Sire).
No one is sure who actually posited the idea but once it escaped into the ether the idea was bruited around until a team got together to draw up plans.
As you know Sire, the Grozzlebang Sector has been one of your most successful projects, producing sentient beings in several areas of the multi-verse. The planet the beings called Earth grew a particularly intelligent form of life that actually managed to send mechanical probes out into what they call space. I believe you captured one of them recently and examined the artifacts they sent out on it. The golden disk showing what they looked like and their location in the Grozzlebang Sector was a particularly nice touch. It hangs on your wall now, doesn’t it Sire?
Anyway, to get back to my report, Sire, I must report that these beings, led by Chief Physicist John Ellis presented their plans to build what they called a Large Hadron Collider to various governments. The discussions about it dragged on for a few years, but eventually the money was provided to build the machine.
The excavations began under a place called Cerne. I won’t go into detail Sire, but the project took them 13 years to complete. The number 13 had a particularly negative connotation in their society, so you would think they might have noted that and realized what was coming. However, they ignored the portents with the results we have seen.
LHC Starts Working
Finally, the day came to start using the LHC as they called it. Everything went well for the first few seconds. A few minor galaxies were formed and fizzled out just as quickly. But as the collider worked up speed it created more and more galaxies. These galaxies did not have enough time to fade out before the particle beams clashed and created yet another in the same place.
It didn’t take long Sire for the cumulative effect to build up until we had billions of galaxies getting ripped to shreds almost immediately they were formed. The results were, as you can see, catastrophic. We have a huge rent in the space/time continuum.
The Correction
This is why, Sire, we have so many Xytomorps working full speed without letup repairing the damage. And why you are overwhelmed judging all these human spirits that have suddenly been released into our paradise.
My Lord, as soon as the tear is repaired I will banish as many of these human spirits as possible to a new planet where they can start breeding again. Of course, this time I will not seed the planet with old bones from various animals we have stored in our vaults. We don’t want a repeat of the situation we had on their planet before where the stopped believing in you. This time, Sire, I will ensure all those souls remain faithful to the stories you have written for their new bible.
The end....or the beginning?
Yours in abject admiration,
Lucifer Beliel Satan
© Marc Holt. All rights reserved by the author.
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